Ahhh, sweet autumn. I never once knew your true beauty before I left the balmy confines of Florida, my home state, just about a year ago. Before I started a new, shiny life in North Carolina, I spent countless miserable hours in Florida bars, wiping the sweat off my face and trying to reapply a smidgeon of face powder–anything to get rid of my glaring, shiny forehead. But no powder is a match for 100% humidity in a crowded place–everyone smells, and nobody smells good. Gross humans rub up against you and you can’t blame them for not having large quantities of skin covered, but you still think they should be wearing a turtleneck of sorts, just to prevent their spiky forearms from accidentally touching yours. But that is my past. I have a new, shiny life in a place that has all four seasons. I can finally, officially experience fall.
Surely by now, you’ve seen all kinds of memes (seriously, they’re so overdone, guys. Put the text app down and go visit a nursing home or something.) about “basic white betches” who love Pumpkin spice lattes, yoga pants, and Ugg boots. These “basics” also love fall, Grey’s Anatomy, and guys who are jerks to them. While I could sit here and demolish this disgusting stereotype, I’d rather spend my time more wisely: talking about why fall isn’t as great as everyone says it is. Prepare to load your pumpkin guns, y’all, because I’m about to piss some people off with these totally true complaints about fall.
First, there’s the weather
I know I just bothered you with a gross anecdote of a sweaty bar in Florida. And, yes, autumn’s cooler temperatures are a welcome change. However, for someone who grew up sweating on Christmas Day, I really expected more. Why is the cool weather only a nightly appearance? Why am I still sweating during the day? I woke up before 8am for the first time in like a year today and have been absolutely freezing. But I know not to act on it, because come 4pm, I’ll be a hot mess. How do you even plan for finicky weather like that? So inconvenient. I think you have to live in New England to truly get a feel for fall, but let’s be honest, who wants to live there? All those Patriots fans? Count me out.
Then, the fashion
Listen, I love flannel just as much as the next gal, but it shouldn’t be the only thing I feel is appropriate for fall. In fact, you’d think there would be a lot more options! This whole in-between thing is very unbecoming of fall. Shorts and a tank top seem way out of place, but a sweater is too warm. Summer dresses are too summery, but “fall” dresses are unfathomably hot. You don’t pull out the winter gear until January, and by then, you’ve already given up on trying to look cute. The only items you can comfortably wear in fall are along the lines of flats, boyfriend jeans, and a light t-shirt. Everything else is too much or not enough.
And what’s with all the pumpkins?
I went through a stage of utter stupidity when I was young. Growing up in a small town, there weren’t a lot of cool restaurants around town to go to for special occasions. We had an Applebee’s and a couple local joints. For birthdays, my mom, dad, brother, and I would go to the birthday boy or girl’s restaurant of choice. More often than not, my brother and I would choose a place called Dan’s Clam Stand. I don’t even like seafood, and I chose this place for my birthdays. Why? Free pumpkin pie. For whatever reason, Dan’s would give you a free pumpkin pie on your birthday. No matter the season. And I would stick my fork into that squishy sponge and plop a small bite into my mouth. My eyes would wince at the strange spiciness, and I would immediately regret the moment I thought the pumpkin pie would taste different than it did the past four years. But I felt like an adult eating it. Something about eating something that tasted gross made me feel like I was growing up. Because that’s what adults do; they eat nasty foods because it looks so cosmopolitan of them. There’s no way people actually enjoy escargot. It’s all a ploy.
Which brings me to my next point. Do people even like pumpkin-flavored anything? Or is it all the American marketing that’s shifted our brains to drool over anything that has an autumnal ring to it? Pumpkin Spice Lattes are gross. Pumpkin pie is gross. Pumpkins are GROSS. Why do you think people carve pumpkins and draw the insides out of their mouths to look like they’re vomiting? Because pumpkins smell like stale vomit.
Last but not least, the leaves
All I’m saying is, people need to calm down about fall. It’s just a transition into the season everyone hates, so I don’t know what you’re all so excited about. Soon enough, you’ll all be rueing the day you galavanted in that pile of perfectly raked leaves, because now you have to re-rake them. Then when you get rid of them, more appear. Might I remind you that dewy leaves on concrete are dangerous? Just ask my brother who jokingly jumped up a step to his front porch last year and immediately slipped on those conniving leaves and landed flat on his back. On the concrete. While we all laughed (and our Uber watched, probably filming it to post on FB later), we couldn’t help but wonder if he had accidentally paralyzed himself in his Crown-fueled shenanigans. No, he didn’t paralyze himself. But his back did hinder his ability to rake the yard for the next few days. And do you know what happens when you don’t rake your yard? People on your street gossip about you and the HOA threatens you with a pumpkin spice latte or something if you don’t hurry up and rake your leaves, like, yesterday.
Sure, I remember going to Dan’s Clam Stand for pumpkin pie, but the more I strain my pathetic memory to relive those moments, the more I remember that Dan’s also had a Nintendo. We didn’t go there for the pumpkin pie. We went there for the Nintendo. And that’s all I have to say about that.