What They Don’t Tell You About “Growing Up”

Are you guys tired of reading lists yet? Are you guys tired of millennials giving other millennials unwarranted, untested advice based solely off of personal experience and observations? Are you guys tired of gifs? Are you guys tired of me repeating the phrase, ‘are you guys tired of…?'”

If you answered ‘no’ to any of these questions, keep reading.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, I love you, and please keep reading anyway.

Here’s a list of the things that were left out in elementary school. The things they – the teachers, the textbooks, the extracurricular activities – didn’t tell us would happen. Here’s a list of the things I had to learn the hard way when it came time to “grow up.” And here are gifs to appropriately illustrate my feelings, because, for once, I just don’t have the words. Adulting got the best of me today, OK?

1. People WILL take advantage of you.
It is likely that shifty-eyed man did not need your $100 for tithes next Sunday. It’s good to be trusting, but just know that a lot of people are selfish and will pounce on any opportunity to get ahead or put you down.

2. Dating is not fun.
Remember when your very first date was the most exciting/ nerve-racking thing ever? Well, the magic fades. Dating as an adult is a depressing realization that you are much better off alone. It’s not your fault you’re perfect!

3. You will get one call back for every 100 jobs you apply to.
You need not one perfect resume, but about five perfect versions of your perfect resume and five different kinds of perfect cover letters, too.

4. Life is a game of chess, not checkers. You will have to move diagonally, and sometimes backwards, in order to achieve your goals. 
cats on treadmill
You might have to fall down in order to get up. Trust the process.

5. Your dancing ability has a peak.
You won’t be chosen to be on the next episode of MTV’s Made so that you can live out your dreams of being a hip-hop dancer (I’m just as disappointed as you are). Instead, you’ll find two moves you really like and recycle them over and over. Not to brag, but I am the head-bob QUEEN.

6. Monopoly is hella accurate.
All those student loans, the unexpected babies and wrongful arrests? The greedy moguls who take all your money only to get richer as you get poorer? It’s devastatingly spot on. If only I could be a thimble in real life.

7. Falling in love is the pits.
It makes you so amazingly nauseous you don’t even want Chinese takeout for dinner, no matter how much you like the egg rolls from the new place down the street.

8. Falling out of love is even worse.
You lose all ability to feel anything for anyone. You become a black hole of desperation and swear never to love again. But you secretly hope you’ll find it and get really lovey-nauseous again, because Chinese takeout isn’t as good as love.

9. You need to learn how to cook.
Once you leave college, you are out of excuses. If you don’t learn how to make at least a couple basic meals, you will not only become extremely unhealthy, but you will be broke from eating out all the time. And no one wants to be either of those things.

10. Great friends are near impossible to come by.
But if you get lucky and find a person who will listen to your thoughts and secrets and won’t make you feel awful about your shortcomings, hold on to that crazy SOB forever.

11. Distance tears a lot of things apart.
Relationships, friendships, families… Even the best relationships can crumble when miles come between the two of you. Holding onto people surprisingly gets a lot harder when you don’t see one another every day at school or at the dinner table. It takes effort to keep those who matter to you. Make that effort.

12. Your athletic days are numbered.
Sure, maybe you were once a champion track runner (shamelessly referring to myself here), but rest assured — those legs will never be as good as they once were. In fact, they will start to hurt when you so much as look at an elliptical.

13. You will be lightyears behind the person you thought you would be at     (insert any number)     years old.
Broad City 23
All those plans you had for yourself? LOL. No. Chances are, you’re a complete disappointment to your younger self. Younger you had you walking on the moon by now. But instead, you aren’t even walking up the stairs; you’re taking the elevator to the second floor.

14. No one ever really grows up.
Turns out, every single person has been faking the adult thing their whole lives. No one ever really has their sh*t together. No one has any idea what they’re doing. No one ever really wakes up one morning and says, “Oh, I’m an adult now.”

We don’t grow up. We just get bigger, wrinklier and fatter and do everything we can not to die. So, don’t worry! You’re doing just fine.

Happy Adulting! 

  • Show Comments (5)

  • Avatar

    This had me dying with laughter. So accurate. I love your writing style and your sense of humor (also, your GIF-picking ability is unmatched), and I’m really looking forward to reading more from you.

    Check out my blog if you get the chance, I think you may find some of the posts interesting: http://sonamsays.wordpress.com

    • Avatar
      Alyssa Ruane

      Hey, thanks so much for the kind words! And it definitely feels great having others commiserate, ha. Heading over to your blog now!

  • Avatar

    Reblogged this on Gypsy Muse and commented:
    Couldnt’ve put it better myself.

    • Avatar
      Alyssa Ruane

      All those in favor of going back to playground days…

      And thanks for the reblog!

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